


The Soft Shapes of Guilt

by SillyBlue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, Guilty Dean, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Mpreg, Pregnant Castiel, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6351916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillyBlue/pseuds/SillyBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean carries the guilt of forcing Castiel to leave the Bunker, of keeping secrets and covering his actions with lies. When he takes the chance to meet Castiel for a case, he hopes that being close to his boyfriend will dim the fierce ache of the guilt in his chest. However, Dean wasn’t the only one keeping secrets and instead of relief he finds Castiel carrying more than the burdens of abandonment and learning how to be human all on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Soft Shapes of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this season 9 pregnant!Cas story in my WIP folder for a long, long time and I finally had the time to finish it! :D

 

Weeks passed in which Dean learnt the weight and shape of another load of guilt. He and Castiel had never had the chance to fully come together, settle around each other and carve out a space in this messed up world. But Dean had hoped. He had planned and hoped from the moment his lips had met Castiel’s in the first of a handful of stolen kisses. There was space in his room for him, space in his desk of drawers, space on the shelves. Space in his life. He had thought that after Cas’ fall he would be able to make his timid dreams come true.

Dean tried to forget the expression of pain on Castiel’s face. He tried to forget how he had trembled when Dean had sent him on his way with nothing but a stern face and a duffle bag with some barely clean spare clothes and some balled up dollars. It had been nothing. Dean had done _nothing_ for Cas but hurt him.

At least he told himself that he had done it for a good reason, but it still didn’t make him feel any better. Cas could be anywhere, he could need help, he could suffer, he could be lonely. Somewhere Cas was forced to face the challenges of humanity all on his own. And where was Dean? Sitting in his Bunker, bemoaning the fact that it had been months since Dean had last kissed his lips.

In this state of gnawing shame, the phone call was a blessing. Even though it made the feeling of guilt flare up instantly, he at least knew that Cas was alive and well enough to be prissy. He packed his things and left as soon as he could. He knew that he couldn’t bring Castiel back as long as Ezekiel was holding Sam hostage, but at least… at least he could try to mend some things between them.

* * *

 

The shock on Castiel’s face was almost comical and Dean would have laughed if Cas didn’t seem unhappy to see him. Finding him in a random Gas-N-Sip had been quite surprising, just like the name tag reading Steve perplexed Dean. Of course, Castiel wasn’t a particularly common name and it was wise to get himself an alias with a flock of angels out for his ass. Otherwise Castiel seemed to have changed little. His hair was mostly combed and he was shaved, though he seemed to be a bit on the thin side at the moment, his cheek bones sharper than Dean remembered. Dean wondered, with a pang of worry, if Castiel managed to eat enough. Certainly this job didn’t pay well.

“I thought you’d be happy to see your boyfriend,” Dean said, trying to sound casual even though he almost stumbled over the last word. It hung between them for a moment and Castiel narrowed his eyes.

“I didn’t know you were my boyfriend,” Castiel eventually replied, quite tersely. The words seemed to blow a hole through Dean’s chest, all of his bravado spilling out of him with a pitiful little huff. “I assumed that you sending me away included breaking up with me.” Dean rubbed his palm over his lips and chin, unsure what to say. “Nora, my boss, came to the same conclusion when I told her about you.”

“You talked about me?” Dean asked but judged by the unhappy glare Castiel sent him, he probably didn’t say the nicest things about him. Which… yeah, fair enough.

“She was merely making polite conversation,” Castiel said and he was prevented from saying more by having to sign for a delivery. Dean noticed how Castiel’s movements were different. Just enough to notice that he had lost that stillness and efficiency of movement that he had possessed as an angel. Castiel stepped out from behind the counter to grab the delivery and restock things.

Dean’s thoughts were still elsewhere so he took a moment to notice that something was amiss. The blue vest Castiel wore was terrible and bulky, but it was also oddly domed just over his stomach. Wide eyed and silent Dean watched how Castiel sorted something and then pressed his palm to his stomach. By that moment words had completely failed Dean and his thoughts had fizzed out into useless white static. Castiel shot him a look, dubious but unashamed, and then he continued working. Dean did try to take it in, to make sense of what he was seeing. Castiel wasn’t chubby. Every part of him was thin but for his stomach. It made no sense, Dean hadn’t know, but there was no other explanation.

“You’re… pregnant?” he asked and Castiel didn’t even look at him, instead putting price tags on peanut butter jars like that was a conversation he had every day.

“Yes.” From the top of his head, to the pit of his stomach Dean felt a painful tingle go through him, filling him with something ugly and burning in its wake. His jealousy was short-lived. “According to the doctor it’s 21 weeks along.” Twenty-one weeks, 5 months. That was _before_. Before he abandoned him, before the fall. And there had only ever been Dean. Dean swallowed a couple of times, trying to keep a sudden nausea down.

“And you didn’t…? You didn’t even call to tell me?” Dean’s voice was too faint to convey anger or reproach or anything at all. Castiel put down his work, placing his palms flat on the counter and put his weight on them. His face was stern but his eyes were pained.

“Why? You didn’t want me.” Dean opened his mouth to argue but he caught the shining of Castiel’s eyes even though no tears were allowed to be spilt. “I didn’t want you to want me only because of her.” Dean was at a loss, his hands futilely clenching and unclenching at his sides. He wanted to touch and hold him and reassure him, but his lies had stitched his mouth shut, his guilt had filled his stomach with stones. He couldn’t. He banished Castiel from the only safe space and comfort he had known. He had tossed him out with no money, no food, no shelter. He had forced him to figure out how to be human all at once, all on his own. He had made him pick himself up from nothing and try to build some identity and stability. And all that while he must have suffered from the fall. All that while pregnant with Dean’s child.

Castiel was carrying twice the burden of Dean’s mistakes.

He pressed his hand to his mouth and Castiel’s lips wobbled but he was firm. At least this was a small constant in this mess they were in and Dean was grateful for Castiel’s strength when he himself felt that he had none to offer.

“Hey, Steve- oh.” A woman’s voice stopped abruptly and while Castiel looked up, Dean didn’t want to. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. What is it, Nora?” Castiel asked and Dean let his hand drop and looked over his shoulder. A woman at around their age, with the same ugly blue vest Castiel was wearing looked back at him with doubt in her eyes. But she focused on Castiel.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you two, but someone had an accident in the men’s room,” she said and Castiel smiled at her. An actual, genuine smile that banished the earlier haunted look.

“I’m on it,” he assured her and Nora grinned back. Before she turned away again she brought her hands together. “So tonight at seven? Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Castiel agreed pleasantly.

“You’re the best!” With that Nora turned around and went to the back of the store, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

“You’re uh…” Dean tried to find something to say, but what exactly could he say in this situation? So he tried to force lightness in his voice, keep his hands entertained by grabbing at the counter. “Going on a date?”

“On a date?” Castiel asked, squinting at him. “With Nora? No. She’s letting me babysit. She says it’s to get me used to having a small child around me. I find her faith in me very heartening.” Castiel put a packet of M&M straight. “She’s kind to me.” He picked up a stray penny off the floor. “She gave me this job when no one else would even consider me.” He looked small and defensive, like he was waiting for Dean to tell him that nobody wanted him or that he was useless.

Dean couldn’t stand it. He reached out and got a hold of Castiel’s wrist. He froze at once, but even though he didn’t pull away, Dean didn’t have the courage to do more than just feel the soft skin and delicate bones in his palm. Castiel looked at him with wide, expectant eyes. There was a breathless moment of opportunity, in which Dean could try to set things right. But in the end he let it pass. He didn’t know what to say, shock and guilt making it impossible to even start speaking. Something in Castiel’s face closed off instantly and he slowly withdrew his hand.

Dean couldn’t even mourn the loss or reach out for him again because his mobile phone started ringing. The case, right. Dean listened to the sheriff tell him about another killing with as much attention as he could, but out of his eye he watched Castiel study him with a closed off expression.

“There’s been another killing at the high school,” Dean said after he had ended the phone call. The words hung between them, the silence heavy and stretched out until Castiel sighed and grabbed the broom the manager lady had left for him.

“I have to clean up, but my shift ends soon,” he said and Dean, who still mourned the emptiness of his hands where Cas had slipped out of his grasp, just eyed him with confusion. For one moment he thought that maybe Cas wanted to sit down and talk about it, but the hope was short-lived. “For the case?” Castiel prompted and Dean tensed at the idea of Cas going on a case. In this condition.

“No,” he said before he could think about it. Castiel narrowed his eyes and for a moment it made him look dangerous, like in the past. Like he could make a hole straight to hell open up just underneath Dean’s feet. But all the look did now was sent a hot spark of shame into Dean’s belly.

“Dean… If there’s a case…”

“That’s why you called _me_ , right? You’re…,” Dean said and then he raised his hands to point towards Castiel. “You’re human and you’re pregnant.” When Castiel opened his mouth to protest, Dean put his hand on his shoulder. “I got this, okay? Let me handle it and go home.” Castiel stiffened at that and Dean prepared himself for an argument, but then Castiel’s shoulders sagged and he nodded. He looked at Dean and again he felt like there was something there, just on the tip of Castiel’s tongue, but it never spilled into the silence between them. Castiel lowered his eyes and gave a small shake of his head before he turned around and left to clean the bathroom.

* * *

 

Dean had to shake himself out of his daze. He allowed himself to be in shock while he drove back to the motel. He tried to sort through his feelings but coming up short while he dressed himself in his FBI outfit. Castiel was pregnant. He was having his child. And he had not told him. Dean couldn’t even muster the energy to get angry about it, like he usually did to shield himself from the more complicated feelings that barraged against him. Cas had been very clear about why he didn’t let Dean know and Dean… Dean understood. Even if Castiel had known by the time he got him to the Bunker, Dean hadn’t given him any chance to really talk. Hell, Dean hadn’t even asked him how he was doing, now that he had been forced to become human.

“Agent? Everything alright?” he was asked and Dean blinked a couple of times. He was at the crime scene, the school bus splattered pink. He must have spaced out.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry,” he said and the sheriff eyed him before he nodded and turned away. The crime scene was the same as the last one, nothing Dean had ever seen before. He sighed and took a couple of pics. As far as he knew this thing only went after people who were depressed or sort of sad at the time. Pain, Dean thought. Pain and loss seemed to be the one thing tying these victims together.

He studied his phone, wondered if he should send Sam the pics, but he had said that he’d manage this alone and he would have to, in order to protect Cas from Ezekiel’s scrutiny. Who knew what other faults he’d find in Cas, especially now that he was having a child.

Dean climbed into his car and closed his eyes.

“Yeah no. This isn’t working,” he muttered to himself and started the car. Only a couple of hours had passed early. Maybe Cas was still at the gas station.

* * *

 

When Dean came back into the building he didn’t see Cas there. A teen with an eager smile threw a hyper cheery “welcome” at him.

“Hi uh… Actually I’m looking for… Steve,” he said and it came out sounding as confused as he felt. Cas probably went home already. Maybe he should have called.

“Oh,” the teen said but the smile didn’t slip off her face. “You’re in luck. He’s taking a nap in the back.” She drummed her palms against the counter. “I’ll go get him for you!”

“Too much coffee,” Dean muttered and watched the teen leave, then he himself turned towards the coffee machines. He felt tired and even though he actually got very little sleep, he knew that the cause was hardly connected to a long drive. When Castiel came out of the back he looked pretty much the same way Dean felt. He rubbed his eyes and then his back, an expression of discomfort on his face. Dean wondered if there was a couch or something in the back.

“What?” Castiel asked, his expression still pinched. Dean had come here without anything particular in mind, following the wordless call of his guilt, but now he let the tension bleed out of his posture. He knew what to do. He reached out and put his arm around Castiel, pulling him close. Dean was used to how stiff Castiel got when showed unexpected attention, so he wasn’t discouraged.

“You don’t have to babysit until 7, right? How about we take a coffee together? I’m sure there’s got to be a place with very nice armchairs which are pregnant people friendly,” he said. Castiel shot him a dubious look, probably trying to assess what Dean’s intentions were, but he only got a smile in return.

“I know just a place for that,” the teen suggested and Dean turned towards her. She scribbled an address onto a notepad and handed it over. “I like their muffins too. All organic.” Dean fought an eye roll and thanked her, then he gently but insistently guided Castiel out of the shop. “See you tomorrow Steve!” Castiel waved at the teenager, then he followed Dean to the impala. Once the doors were closed Dean dared to look at Castiel, but he was staring straight ahead, apparently not interested in conversation. Dean couldn’t really fault him that even though he disliked the heavy silence. He thought about turning on the music but that wouldn’t make him feel any better. So he drove in silence.

Castiel shot Dean a look once they arrived at the destination.

“Coffee’s on me,” Dean told him with a small smile and Castiel frowned. “Or tea, if you prefer.” Castiel nodded at that and got out of the car and the moment he had closed the door Dean sighed deeply. Castiel probably wasn’t going to make this easy for him, whatever it was that Dean meant to do. He steeled himself to the inevitable, got out of the car and followed Castiel into the coffee shop. The place wasn’t really anything remarkable to look at with its generic shabby chic look but the armchairs Dean spotted did look inviting. He had expected Cas to gravitate towards them but instead he was lingering by the food display. Dean watched him slowly reach into his pocket and pull out a crumbled bill and some coins. He studied the money in his palm for a while.

“You hungry?” Dean asked and Castiel quickly shut his hand and pushed the money back into his pocket. Castiel didn’t exactly look embarrassed but he didn’t meet Dean’s eyes either.

“You invited me to a tea,” he merely said and Dean lifted his eyebrow.

“I’m inviting you to everything you want to have,” Dean told him and then he eyed the food that the place offered.

“I would like porridge. Maybe also some fruit,” Castiel said with a sigh, relenting to Dean’s expectant silence.

“Good boy. Now take a seat and I’ll get you the food and your tea. Peppermint with honey?” Castiel nodded and then he slunk away, still slightly hunched over as if his back hurt him. That probably was normal for pregnant people. Dean had to admit that he didn’t know anything. While he waited for his order he opened his phone to pull up google for some information. He knew male pregnancies were exceedingly rare, at least the official numbers were very low. The mutation tended to run in families though and Dean wondered if Castiel’s former angelic nature had given his borrowed body a fertility boost. He was absent-mindedly scrolling through google, unsure how to best proceed now when his name was called. He grabbed the tray and carried it over to Castiel.

Cas seemed to have become one with the armchair, completely sunken into its apparently soft fabric, his eyes closed and body slack. It was weird seeing Castiel like this, because he usually looked awkward in one way or another. Even when lying in bed with Dean he had never been able to relax properly. But maybe now he was just worn down enough by humanity and the pregnancy that he couldn’t help it.

“Here you go.” Castiel reluctantly opened his eyes when Dean put the tray on the table between them. “Porridge, a banana, applesauce and a cup of tea.” Castiel took hold of the banana and by the time Dean was settled more than half of it was gone, with Cas chewing slowly. “Have you eaten today?”

“I had a breakfast burrito. When I have the morning shift I get a coffee and a burrito for free. It’s very kind of Nora,” he said and wiped his fingers over his mouth, before he took a gulp of his peppermint tea. Dean frowned and checked his watch. It was almost 5 o’clock and breakfast was a long time ago.

“That’s it? Don’t you have to eat more in your condition?” Dean asked and watched Castiel peel off the lid off the porridge cup.

“I eat when I can. I’m trying to save money so that I can afford things for when the baby is born,” Castiel told him flatly. “I have seen how expensive diapers are and I will have to go to the hospital to give birth.” Dean knew these things, in an abstract kind of way, but it didn’t make him feel any less shitty to hear them from Cas.

“Shit, Cas…” was all he managed to say for a while. Castiel frowned up at him and then he continued to eat in silence, leaning back against the armchair and eyelids drooping even though he was still chewing. Dean studied his face before he let his eyes slid down to the pronounced curve, still denting that hideous vest. That was Dean’s child in there. It was an almost impossible thought that robbed the strength out of Dean’s limbs and placed that icy feeling of guilt back firmly into place.

“What about the case? Have you made progress?” Castiel asked pretty much out of the blue and Dean raised his face.

“You want to talk about the case? Now?” he asked incredulously and Castiel tilted his head.

“What else do you wanna talk about?” Castiel challenged and Dean felt his face heat up in shame for his cowardice.

“You, us?” he said and Castiel put down his teacup with a sigh.

“We can do that later, when the case is closed,” Castiel told him and Dean took it for the period of grace that it was. He could still try to wrap his mind around the fact that Cas was pregnant and try to come up with a way to fix whatever could be fixed.

“Yeah, okay,” he said and pulled out crime scene pics he still carried with him. He put them on the table for Castiel to see. The familiar frown appeared on Castiel’s face as he pulled the pictures close. “Next to apparently being pulverized into this pink mass, the one thing that tied the victims together was that they were going through a bad moment. Suicidal bad to boyfriend broke up with them in front of the school bad,” Dean explained. When he looked up he saw that Castiel’s expression had changed. His eyes were widened in shock. “Cas?” Alarmed, Dean got up from his chair and sat down on the coffee table to pull Castiel’s hands into his. “Babe?”

“I’ve seen this before,” Castiel managed to say and Dean recognized his expression as fear. “In Heaven.”

“You mean an angel did this?” Dean asked and Castiel nodded slowly. “Why? Why kill humans? As far as I can tell they weren’t possessed. Those were innocent people!” Castiel lifted his hand to his face, rubbing over his mouth before he let his hand drop to rest protectively over his stomach. Whatever this angel did, Castiel seemed worried, maybe even afraid for his own safety.

“Because that’s their task,” Castiel started to explain. “They’re a special class of angels which acted on the battle fields of Heaven. They’re called Rit-Zein. They were able to give those who were mortally wounded a swift death. They… I guess you could say that they focus on pain.”

“Pain?”

“Any kind of suffering,” Castiel added, “the angel finds it and ends it.”

“But Cas… the last girl was just a kid that got dumped. That’s hardly a reason to be killed!” Dean argued and gave the shaking hand he still held in his a squeeze.

“Human emotions are messy and confusing. I’ve been here for a while and I still don’t completely understand it. And this angel just fell to earth. To him pain is pain.” Dean shook his head.

“Great. Just what we needed. Well, I suppose at least I know how to kill the guy, if I can find him,” he said mirthlessly. Castiel sighed and visibly tried to relax back into the chair, his expression one of regret and shame. Dean reached out and patted Castiel’s knees gently. “Hey… Head up… I will deal with this. You have other things to worry about.” That got Castiel to stir, hunching his shoulders defensively and Dean wondered just what he had said wrong now. “Like your baby-sitting duty, right?” Dean gave Castiel’s knee a playful slap, hoping to break through the morose atmosphere. Castiel signed. “Do you like the kid?”

“I haven’t even met her. I feel I’m wholly unprepared for the experience,” Castiel confessed and then he eyed the applesauce besides Dean’s thighs. Dean handed it over to Cas and then sat back down in his chair.

“I’m sure you’re going to be fine. You’re good at improvising,” Dean praised but Castiel didn’t reply with anything beyond a silent huff. Dean let him be, especially when Castiel looked like he was on the verge of dozing off again. It was time to try to do some research.

* * *

 

By the time he woke Castiel at half past 6, Dean hadn’t really found out anything good about the Rit-Zein. That was hardly surprising because there wasn’t a lot of reliable angel lore around. He knew that a stab with an angel blade would solve the problem. He didn’t really want to go reasoning with the angel, even if he was misguided. Their sense of right and wrong was ridiculously bad, so he would only waste his time trying to set him right. No, the angel blade was his safest bet.

Castiel was rubbing his eyes and rolled his shoulders until his joints popped. It sounded painful and it didn’t take a lot of observational skills to tell that Castiel wasn’t comfortable.

“Do you want to go home and grab a shower and change of clothes?” Dean asked, eying Castiel’s shirt and the blue vest over it. Dean hadn’t really expected Cas to take him up on the offer, but he also hadn’t expected him to close off instantly.

“No.”

“Okay?” Dean said, unsure what to make of it. He listened to Castiel’s directions until they were in front of a small house.

“You want to go in there with his vest still on?” Dean asked when Castiel made a move to open the door. He saw him hesitate and look at Dean over his shoulder. Dean lifted his eyebrows until Castiel let go of the door handle and started unbuttoning his vest. Dean took it and threw it into the backseat (secretly thinking that this would give him a reason to visit Castiel again) and then he allowed himself to look. Castiel’s shirt wasn’t particularly tight, with partially rolled up sleeves, but still taunt over his stomach. It was weird that Cas was really pregnant even though the evidence was right before Dean’s eyes.

“I think I should go,” Castiel said, his voice cutting through Dean’s thoughts. He tore his eyes away from Castiel’s stomach and he probably should be grateful that Castiel didn’t make any comment about Dean’s intense focus.

“Oh, right. Yeah,” he said and Castiel opened the door and got out. He didn’t instantly close it again, but turned around to look at Dean.

“Be careful, Dean. Maybe you’re confident that this is an easy case, but you’re still up against an angel,” he warned and Dean nodded at him. Castiel didn’t look convinced, but in the end he closed the door and walked up the stairs. Dean heaved a sigh. He had a case to solve, he could think about Castiel later. Right when he wanted to leave he saw a car pull up the street, getting in the way of Dean driving off.

“Come on man, back off,” he muttered, tapping the steering wheel until he could safely pull out of the parking space. “Dick.” He cast a last look back to the house, seeing Castiel through the brightly lit window, helping Nora into her coat. He felt the guilt almost choke him. _He_ should be there, _he_ should be helping Cas.

Later. He’d solve this case and after that he’d talk. Apologize, grovel and beg. Whatever it took.

* * *

 

Dean’s heart was beating frantically in his chest when he threw open the door. Castiel was in danger, the Rit-Zein was in there, with Castiel. He hoped beyond reason that he wasn’t too late because if he were then- Dean didn’t even want to think about it, his thoughts rushing in his head like the sound of blood beating in his ears.

The Rit-Zein stood over Castiel and Cas was… he was on his knees, his face contorted in pain and laced with fear, but he was still alive. Before Dean could really act he was thrown through the room. He felt the pain of the impact and then a short moment of darkness, before he regained his consciousness. He wasn’t sure how much time he had lost, but the angel blade was right next to him. He gave it a shove and prayed that it found Castiel before the Rit-Zein’s palm connected with Castiel’s head. For once his prayers were heard and the light that blinded him signaled the angel’s demise. Once he lowered his arm from where he had shielded his eyes he saw Castiel drop down to the floor, clutching his wrist and bending over until his head almost touched the floor.

Sounds slowly came back to Dean and he could hear Castiel’s harsh panting and the frantic crying of Nora’s baby. He staggered to his feet and made sure that the baby was alright. She pouted at him, her cheeks red and wet, but she was healthy. He sighed in relief and then he went to Castiel, helping him up on his feet.

“Easy, sweetheart,” he whispered and wrapped his arm around Castiel. He heard a small moan of protest.

“My wrist,” he said and Dean made sure to give him another squeeze, mindful not to jostle him too much. “It hurts.” Castiel whispered and Dean kissed his hair. “It hurts.”

“I know… I’m sorry, honey,” he said gently, still petting his hair while Castiel trembled in his arms.

* * *

 

Dean had never seen Castiel cry and he took some cowardly comfort in the fact that Castiel still didn’t cry now. Dean had made him sit down and took care of his sprained wrist as best as he could and then set about cleaning up the place. Castiel was still sitting where he had left him half an hour later, quietly and privately going through what had happened. Even though Dean was glad that Castiel put on a brave face, he didn’t like the fact that he was going through his thoughts all on his own.

But Dean didn’t quite have the courage to talk to him, unsure what would come out of it apart from more and more mind-numbing guilt.

The angel dick had gone after Cas, signaling that Castiel was distressed and in pain. This was hardly surprising, considering that he had been kicked out and was handling humanity and a pregnancy all on his own. Just a year ago Castiel had silently confessed to the guilt being so strong that it might push him to seek death. And now? Now he also had to blame himself for all the angels falling on top of all the other things.

“Damn, Cas,” Dean finally said when he could no longer take the tense silence and the roaring guilt. Castiel looked startled, but Dean didn’t get to say more because there was the jingling sound of keys and a moment later Nora came into the house. Castiel sent Dean a nervous look, but then he regained his composure and went to greet his boss. Dean shook his head, frustrated with the situation.

“I’ll go wait in the car,” he said and nodded at Nora when she shot him a confused look.

“I’m sorry, this was Dean. He was in the vicinity because of the strange deaths. He’s an FBI agent,” he could hear Castiel say but then he closed the door and sat inside his car. He didn’t want to hear either the lies or the truth Castiel told Nora about Dean.

Because, no matter what Cas chose to say, Dean was the guy who had caused Cas so much of his pain.

“Dean.” Dean looked up in surprise, his vision was blurry for a moment and he had to blink to clear away the angry tears to see Castiel’s face. He looked tired, but there was still concern in his expression. “Are you alright?”

“No, I’m angry at myself,” he snapped and regretted it right away because Castiel withdrew his hand from the door handle. Dean rubbed his face, then he leant over and opened the door for Cas. “Sorry. Come on in, babe. It was a long day, I’ll drive you home.” Castiel hesitated, but then he got into the car. Instead of giving Dean an address he kept silent. Dean eyed him with a lifted eyebrow, but he only saw Castiel’s otherwise pale cheeks turn red and his expression grow pinched. “Cas?”

“I don’t have one,” he said and Dean shook his head at him, unable to follow. Castiel sighed and stubbornly kept looking out of the window. “A home. I don’t have a home.” The quiet words shook through Dean like they had been screamed right inside his head. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, taking a moment to remember how to breathe.

“It’s not terrible. I sleep in the storage room. I even have a sleeping bag.” Dean knew that Castiel was trying to comfort Dean now, or maybe was trying to hide his own shame. “I am saving up. I still have 3 months and Nora told me she will pay me to baby-sit Tanja while I’m on maternity leave. I will have money. I can do it, she won’t be hungry or homeless, I promise. If I can’t take care of her I’ll give her away so that she’ll be taken care of. I won’t endanger her.”

Dean had enough. He turned around and put a stop to Castiel’s increasingly frantic words by pulling him into a tight hug. Castiel took a few sharp breaths through his nose and it sounded close to sobbing but Cas didn’t cry. He never cried, not even now when Dean was actually turning his face into Castiel’s neck to stop his own tears.

“It’s okay, Cas,” he promised, “it will be okay. You’ll get to have your kid, I swear to you that you’ll get to have her.” Castiel didn’t say anything but he did stop being so goddamn tense, as if he feared Dean pushing him out of the car any second now.

“Okay,” he whispered and Dean kissed his head again.

“I’ll drive you to the motel, you can spend the night there and I’ll see how I can help you, alright?” Castiel nodded and Dean reluctantly let him go. He had to rub the back of his hand over his eyes, but then he shot Castiel a fake confident grin, which was met with a fragile smile in turn.

* * *

 

The moment Castiel fell into the bed after a shower he was out like a light. Dean covered him with the blanket and after staring at him for far too long, he sat at the table and brushed his hands through his hair.

How could he solve this mess? He knew he had no right to even think about the child as his own, not unless Castiel indicated that Dean hadn’t lost any chance he had by throwing him out of the Bunker without an explanation. The scene continued to haunt Dean in full clarity. He had said that Castiel had to leave and he left. He didn’t ask why, he didn’t protest, he simply accepted that Dean needed him to disappear. Dean had spent too much time wondering why Castiel hadn’t protested, but he had profited from Castiel’s unquestioning loyalty and his lack of self-worth. He couldn’t let this situation continue. He had to come clean somehow, tell Sam about Cas and tell Cas about Sam’s situation.

But he didn’t know how, without risking Sam’s life. But if he didn’t do something he would accept the danger of Castiel or his child coming to harm. He shook his head, but then he sat up straight and grabbed his laptop. One thing at a time. He was Dean Winchester, he could solve this.

* * *

 

Castiel woke up with a start and Dean looked up from the pages in front of him.

“Morning sunshine,” he greeted and Castiel looked around in confusion before his eyes landed on Dean and then on the breakfast laid out in front of Dean.

“What time is it?” he asked, tearing his eyes away from the food to get up. He pulled at Dean’s shirt, far too tight around his stomach, then apparently looked for his own clothes.

“It’s 7 AM,” Dean told him and Castiel tensed, looking at Dean with panic. “Relax. I called Nora yesterday and told her you would be in a bit later. She was totally alright with it.”

“But I have to open the shop,” Castiel protested.

“Nora’s got it covered, don’t worry, Cas,” Dean assured him, then he pointed at a bag next to the bed. “I got you some new clothes and once you’re dressed you can have breakfast with me.” Castiel eyed the bag warily, but in the end his hunger must have won him over, because he grabbed it and disappeared into the bathroom.

It was unusual for Castiel to be secretive around Dean, since he had never been bothered by nakedness, but maybe it was to be expected. Castiel considered Dean his ex-boyfriend and his body must have changed considerably. Maybe Dean had simply lost his privileges.

When Castiel was sitting down to eat the breakfast from the close-by diner, Dean was starting to get nervous.

“You look uneasy,” Castiel commented and Dean heaved a sigh. “Because of me?”

“No, Cas… It’s not because of you,” he told him and Castiel put down his porridge to look at Dean. There was openness in his eyes, maybe something so close to forgiveness, that Dean couldn’t keep silent anymore.

“I messed up, babe,” he confessed quietly. Castiel didn’t reply and Dean had to get this off his chest now. “You remember Ezekiel?”

“Of course, my memory is-“ Dean lifted his hand to stop the indignant reply.

“Yeah, sorry. The thing is that he’s healing Sam from the _inside_ ,” he said, putting emphasis on the word, hoping that Castiel got it. And he did. Dean saw the moment he realized what Dean meant by the confusion shifting into wide-eyed surprise. “I tricked Sam and now Ezekiel is holding down the fort inside of him and Sam knows nothing about it.”

“What… How is that possible?” Castiel asked, but then he shook his head and Dean was eternally grateful to see Castiel slip right back into his angelic problem solver mode. “Go on.”

“He said he would leave as soon as Sam was healthy and told me that if Sam knew he would expel him and get himself killed in the process. So I’m keeping it from Sam and Kevin and I kept it from you too. And he made me kick you out.”

“But why?” Castiel wondered, “it’s not like Ezekiel to be so duplicitous.” Dean shrugged helplessly.

“He said that he would be in danger. Since the angels are after you, you’d bring them on his trail. And he’d be in trouble for helping us.” Castiel made a thoughtful noise. “Sweetheart, I don’t know what to do. I’ve had to kick you out, I have to lie to everyone. I can’t take this anymore.”

“It’s okay, Dean…” Castiel told him what Dean had said the previous day. “If you give me time I will create a sigil that will allow you to talk to Sam without Ezekiel knowing. That way you’ll be able to tell him. If Ezekiel has been healing Sam from the inside like he said Sam should be able to survive on his own by now.”

“But-“ Dean wanted to protest but Castiel’s sharp look cut him off.

“I know at what rate angels heal their vessels. Besides, I know from experience how being separated from Heaven leaves angels vulnerable. The Grace is less guarded, so it’s possible to chain a portion of Ezekiel’s Grace inside of Sam and have it continue healing Sam until it’s depleted.”

“That’s possible…?” Dean wondered and lifted both of his hands when Castiel shot him an unimpressed look. “Okay. But is it safe?”

“If you do it correctly,” Castiel said and Dean groaned. “There’s always a risk, but so is having an angel inside of Sam. Next to you, Sam’s the most powerful vessel on this planet. There must be a reason Ezekiel is hesitant to leave and it’s possible that he has become comfortable inside Sam.”

“Man, this just sounds dirty,” Dean complained. Castiel didn’t honor that with a reply. Dean couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips. The situation really sucked but he felt lighter somehow. Telling Cas had pulled an immense weight of his chest and Cas, as always, came through right away with a tentative solution for Dean.

“Babe?”

“Hm?” Castiel asked absent-mindedly. He was rubbing small circles on his stomach.

“I’m sorry that I told you to leave. I’m sorry that I didn’t take better care of you and that you thought I didn’t want you…” Castiel’s gaze softened instantly and he reached out to take Dean’s clenched fist into his hand.

“I understand now why you did it. Sam was in danger. You had to act,” he told him softly and even though Dean wanted to take this offer at walking blame-free, he couldn’t. He couldn’t just push aside the suffering he had caused Cas. He couldn’t just have him forgive him for being so stupid.

“No Cas. That’s no excuse. I should have done more for you. I should have explained and I shouldn’t just have kicked you out. I felt so terrible and instead of making up for it, I turned my back on you. And I don’t know if you can forgive me for that. I don’t think I can forgive myself,” Dean told him, his voice breaking at the end, so he cleared his throat and steeled his expression. Castiel looked at him, without judging and Dean didn’t understand why Castiel could be like that.

“It hurt a lot when you told me to go,” Castiel finally said and gave Dean’s had a squeeze when he instinctively flinched. “I thought that you had come to the conclusion that I was too much trouble. That without my power I was nothing but a burden. It hurt to be hated by my kind and it hurt to think that I wasn’t worth the effort for you after all.”

“Cas…,” Dean said, but he couldn’t continue. He didn’t know how to tell Castiel how much he meant to him and that he was always worth the effort. He had to prove to him how much he meant. How much Dean needed him to be happy.

“So what will we do now?” Castiel asked. Dean took a deep breath.

“I will take care of the situation with Ezekiel, but keep you updated. I don’t think you should come to the Bunker until it’s safe for you. I mean-“ Dean looked down at the table, where their hands were still joined. “If you want to come back.”

“Yes, I’d like that,” Castiel confessed gently. “But I have a job now. I can’t just quit it.”

“Yeah, you’re too loyal for that,” Dean said with a smile. “But, uh.” Dean reluctantly let go of Castiel’s hand and pushed the papers towards him instead. “I was doing research while you slept. There’s an organization that helps pregnant men. I already talked to them. You’ll have to drive two hours to go to their closest office to get registered, but they will find and pay for housing and medical care during and after your pregnancy.” Castiel read the pages in obvious disbelief. “And if you’ll allow me, I’ll send you what money I can. Like… Like child money.”

“Oh Dean… I’d love that,” Castiel said and smiled at him. It was a genuine, happy smile, one of those kind of rare smiles that Dean loved so much.

“And your… your baby? Is it – she I mean… Is she alright?” Dean asked, unsure whether he was allowed to ask.

“Oh, yes. I can’t go to the doctor as often as I should, but she told me that the child is healthy but due to my inconsistent food intake and general stress, she’s not growing as much as she should,” Castiel confessed and Dean watched how guilt flickered over Castiel’s face. He remembered what Castiel had said in the car and how he worried that he wasn’t able to provide for her.

“Then you make sure you eat. My fake credit cards will cover some baby stuff, so you make sure to get three meals inside of you.” Dean told him. “That’s all I want you to focus on right now – being healthy. Can you do that for me, Cas?” Castiel hesitated but then he nodded.

“I will try my best,” he vowed, then, as if to prove it, he took a big bite from the waffle that lay on the paper dish before him. Dean laughed and reached out to ruffle Castiel’s already unruly hair.

“Yes, I know you will,” he told him fondly.

Dean felt, that for the first time in many, many months, he was able to breathe. The iron cage of guilt that had been locked around his lungs and his heart had finally opened up a bit.

* * *

 

Dean knew that he had to say good-bye to Cas, but once they were in front of the Gas-N-Sip, Dean felt rooted to the spot. He didn’t want to let Castiel go even though he knew that it was important for both of them, that Castiel needed to build up a human life. No more of this hunting crap, not when Castiel has a kid on the way.

“If I could just get my Grace back and help the angels return to Heaven,” Castiel said, while they were leaning against the car and looking up into the pale blue sky. “Maybe that would solve your problem with Ezekiel too.”

“You don’t need to worry about that now, Cas. Let me take care of this for once,” he said. He didn’t expect a reply, so he didn’t push when Castiel remained silent. He nudged Castiel’s shoulder with his. “You got to worry about your baby girl,” he said and Castiel leant his head back and closed his eyes.

“Hmm.” Dean allowed himself to just study Castiel. He looked so painfully, disarmingly human now. Like he was no longer wearing his body, but growing into it. Maybe clumsily and slowly, but he was learning. And he hadn’t even needed Dean to help him.

“How are you feeling anyway? With being pregnant I mean?” Dean dared to ask and saw Cas crack open an eye. When he noticed how nervous Dean was about this he opened both eyes fully and looked at Dean.

“Fearful. I’m not made to take care of people, least of all an infant. And I regretted not being able to experience it with you,” Castiel told him.

“Yeah… I screwed it up,” Dean agreed, but Castiel was having none of that. He leant into Dean’s body.

“We can still experience it together, if you want,” he said and Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel, pulling him close.

“You mean that?” Dean asked quietly and received a small nod in return. “I want that, yeah.”

“I get to name her though,” Castiel said, voice completely serious.

“Uh, I don’t know about that, _Steve_. I mean if Steve is the best thing you could come up with, I don’t really trust you to not name her something incredibly bland. She’s a Winchester.”

“Do you know a Winchester with an exceptional name?” Castiel teased right back and Dean had to laugh at that.

“Okay, touché.” Dean enjoyed the light mood between them and he wished he could stay here like this forever. Back at the Bunker he had to worry about the angel inside of Sam and Crowley they had locked into their dungeon. And Castiel would be a whole day’s drive away.

“Will you be okay?” Dean asked and looked down at Cas. “I mean honestly.”

“I don’t know. But I have to believe that things will be okay,” he replied with a small smile. “And you?”

“Yeah. I always will be okay,” he said and Castiel snorted at that. “Honestly.”

“Of course, Dean.” Castiel stepped away from the car so that he was directly in front of Dean. “I will miss you,” he said solemnly. Dean opened his arms to let Castiel step into a firm hug.

“I will miss you too, sweetheart,” he said and when Castiel pulled back slightly he could bend down to press a light kiss to Castiel’s lips. Then he looked down and waved at Castiel’s belly. “You too, baby Winchester.” Castiel smiled at him, then he took a step away, then another. Dean wanted to keep him close, but he knew that it was for the best, for both of them. When Castiel was at the door he turned around again and waved at him.

“Love you, Cas,” Dean said and Castiel bit his lip, but then he smiled and nodded before going back into the store.

Dean watched how Nora came around the counter to talk to him, a big smile on her face. Castiel looked over his shoulder once again to smile at Dean, but then he was swept up in the conversation and put on his vest. Dean had to trust that Castiel could take care of himself. He had gotten so far without Dean’s help after all.

It was time for Dean to go home.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and constructive criticism is welcome! Thank you for reading! ♥


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